oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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