I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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