So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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