he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
