I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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