you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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