omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
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