I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize