I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
this hospital has no fireball
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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