He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
