she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
