Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
