Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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