I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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