I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
