I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
