I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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