you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I pour the whiskey from now on
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize