The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
