peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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