We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
