I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
