I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
