Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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