he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
