she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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