i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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