I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
