i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
