Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Soap is not a condiment
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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