you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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