he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
