That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize