God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
