My hand turned me down
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
