Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
