i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
