I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
