My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
