Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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