I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
