and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize