Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
