I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
whose parrot is this?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
