I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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