youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
