Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize