She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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