My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
