They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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