i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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