I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
