I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
