Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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