I think I died a long time ago.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize