This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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