Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
