if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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