Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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