As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Omg I joined a choir last night...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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