Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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