No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
