if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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