That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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