He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
