We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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